Perfect Love with Imperfect Pasts
I married a perfect man… NOT! 🙂 He isn’t that all bad either. But we have issues especially in the first few years of our marriage. And it was definitely not because of him alone. Most of marital problems originate from each other’s insecurities, trust issues and lack of communication. “It takes two to tango” as we often hear it right?
Most of our days are happy and fun. But we also dealt with different issues brought about by our pasts. And when these times come, it’s like the end of the world. How can love tickle our hearts with so much sweetness yet also cuddle us to death with so much pain at the same time? This is because no matter how perfect love is, there are spiritual deep roots that need to be dealt with. There are painful childhood experiences that need to be healed. There are personal obstacles that need to be overcome.
However, after 5 years of being married, we have lesser “prophetic discussions”. We don’t dig in into hurting each other’s emotions that much anymore. Once we see ourselves going in that route now, we immediately cut if off so the next time we talk about it, we’re in our sound and more open mind.
I would like to share these 3 things that I think have helped me to effectively change my husband into the man of God I have dreamed of. Please take note that the real issue during conflicts aren’t always our husbands, it’s also in how we respond to things. This is how God designed a marriage covenant. It takes two people to make it work… It also takes two people to NOT make it work. In short our lives as wives, affect our husbands’.
I pray that these insights will help wives out there who are struggling to keep love afresh. I hope that this will improve your marriage today.
Changing a Husband Starts in Me
- Pray for him.
Nagging did not change my husband. Manipulation did not do it either. It was me seeking heaven’s help to take over. Remember that most of the things our husbands struggle are spiritual in nature. So to fight it in the physical realm won’t do it. We have to kneel our knees and fight in our prayers. We also have to be reminded that our husbands love us. That’s the very reason why that in all the girls they met while they were single, they married us. This tells us that if the circumstances are right, they don’t want to hurt our feelings. However again there are triggers that’ll make them defend themselves and create walls. If we will understand this, we will stop making them our identity, understand them and turn to Jesus for solutions because He is our real identity and security. So PRAY for your husband daily. Lay hands on him when he’s asleep. Declare scriptures over his life.
- Be silent.
Especially when things are heating up… I am a woman with talking skills. I can explain and justify things. I can defend cases (I should be a lawyer right? Lol.) My training and experience as a teacher, administrator/manager, and missionary have equipped me to be good in convincing, marketing, challenging and moving souls to the core! But I realized that all this doesn’t help my marriage. Because each word I say is a fist right in the face, in my husband’s eye. It is a form of rebellion. It doesn’t help resolve a problem because as a man he is made to rise up as the leader. He won’t back down to oppositions against his authority. So shut up. Cry if you have to but don’t manipulate. I’m not saying that you won’t talk anymore and just cry under a pillow. Nope – I am saying that you have to learn how to communicate your feelings and thoughts without making them feel inferior and disrespected. It’s about having submissive heart. Respond in love. Be still. Don’t be consumed with your insecurities and just explode… Trust in the Third Person in your marriage covenant. Jesus knows and Jesus will bring answers if you allow Him to. Talking back and defending will not solve conflicts nor help your marriage grow… Another way of being silent is in making decisions. No matter how much we think we have the better idea, be silent and let your man make decisions. Don’t be in control and opinionated with everything. Even if they’re wrong. This will make them learn how to make right decisions. Husbands will not step us to being the responsible leaders at home when we’re in the way. Trust in your prayers and let man dominate.
- Labor for love.
Always find ways to keep the love afresh. For Jay and I, we do this by going to the gym together, do groceries, pay bills and other chores together, watch movies together, discuss political issues, we do ministry together, me pinning myself in that couch just to enjoy Basketball TV with him even if I’m already freaking out inside wanting to just sleep than trying my best to listen to all the boring commentaries, him sticking with me as I watch girly movies despite wanting to poke his eyes and throw up every time… You have to strive to make love work. You have to meet in the middle. It’s doesn’t necessary mean spending lots of cash for travels, weekend getaways and luxurious dates. It’s about having fun with your best friend. There should be no other person you’re laughing your hearts out other than your spouse. It’s about enjoying each other’s company. Even if it simply means buying street foods, strolling in your neighborhood, or just talking until the wee hours in the morning, listening to the deep thoughts of your hearts… over tea and coffee while the kids are asleep.
These are no secrets to a happy marriage other than love. Thus each person should have an intimate relationship with Love. Otherwise, it’s the other stuff that will overflow.
Love on your man today. Pray for him. Honor him. Love on him… It may be difficult in the beginning. It maybe be challenging and not always perfect. But if you allow Love to be in the way, it’ll always be worth it in the end. ❤